i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
