When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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