Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
