Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
