Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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