Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize