Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
