you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
