So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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