If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
