genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
