bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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