those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
