Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
