Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
