Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
