Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
