Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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