Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
