I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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