This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
