I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
