This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
someone owes me an orgasm
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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