I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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