I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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