Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
