Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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