I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
