I skipped work to stalk him.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
