If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
