I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
