i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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