I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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