I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
