That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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