Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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