My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
