peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
