where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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