I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can't turn off my feet"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
