He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
