I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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