Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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