He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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