Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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