DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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