We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize