I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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