vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
