dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
