My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
