Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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