when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
