Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
