does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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