I smell stomach acid.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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