I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
