i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
