the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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