I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
