Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
