Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
